Long Ago When I Was Young
by sauscony
Summary: B/A - Buffy writes a letter she can never post, reflecting on her relationships. (Written back at the end of season three, but still works fine, just imagine Buffy finished college and go AU from there.)


LONG AGO WHEN I WAS YOUNG  
By Sauscony 

E-mail: sauscony@forty-two.co.nz  
Rating: G  
Summary: Buffy writes a letter she can never post, reflecting on her relationships.  
Disclaimer: _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ and _Angel_ characters are copyrighted ©20th Century Fox, Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB, and are used without permission. No copyright infringment is intended. 

Dear Giles...

Here I am, writing you another letter I won't be posting. The first time, I thought about it. I thought about folding if up with the roses and leaving it there for you, but I realised that was silly. If there's any way you can read it, you'll have already done so by the time I've finished writing it. And if you can't it'll just be a piece of paper in a graveyard. What's the point? 

Jolie came to see me today. She's tells me she's in love. Forever. She's sixteen. He's the most wonderful thing ever, she's going to love him until the day she dies and she's walking around with the most goofy look on her face. A look Anya would die to see on her daughter's face because of a boy, which is probably why she dropped by on her way to school, to tell me first in case she needed an ally. 

Tell me Giles, was I _ever_ that young? 

I tried to make her see sense. That however wonderful love is at sixteen, you don't find your true love that young. Or not usually anyway. I did, and it took me nearly three years to accept it couldn't work. And a whole lot more years than that to understand that it wouldn't have worked anyway - curse or no curse - because I wasn't ready for it. Sixteen is too young for a forever love, even when it's real. 

So he walked away from me and I tried to pretend it didn't hurt by making mistakes. They were huge, embarrassing, wake-up-cringing-in-the-night mistakes that, with the benefit of hindsight I can see were the kind of normal mistakes teenagers make. Hell, the ones _everyone_ makes. But I thought I was special, better than that, and that I shouldn't make any mistakes at all. But I made so many they're uncountable, didn't I, Giles? And always, when I remembered to ask you, you were there to help me put the pieces back together. But I learned from my mistakes, even if it took me a whole lot longer than it might take other, less self-centred people than me. 

At first, I thought Riley was a mistake too, but he wasn't. I loved him, you know, a lot. We had three wonderful, almost normal years together. But that wasn't a forever love, even if I tried very hard to pretend it was. Just because it was _normal_. He worked it out long before I did, but in the end, we both faced it. It was a real love, but not a grow-old-together love. That's something I was beginning to suspect, as graduation approached and we slowly fell _out_ of love, that I would never have. And of course, I didn't. 

We were no longer a couple by the time we graduated. But we were friends. And we've stayed friends, a blessing I cherish more and more as the years go by. He and Melissa even have a daughter they called Annie, after me. I thought that was hysterically funny when I first heard about it - relieved Riley had the sense to realise the world really didn't need more than one Buffy - and then I started to cry. 

But I had strong, caring arms to hold me until I stopped and I've found I rather like being an auntie. Jolie, Annie, Cassie, Hamish and Davy, they all call me 'Auntie'. I get to cuddle them, hug them, offer them advice, help them break the rules, fish them out of trouble and send them home when I've had enough. I don't regret my choices, but there are times when the consequences of those choices hurt. 

Of course, that's life. We make choices and we deal with the consequences, good and bad. I hadn't worked that out when I graduated high school. But by the time my college graduation rolled around, I was finally getting the idea. Riley went with me to the evening ceremony, but we were there as friends, not a real couple, and both of us knew it, even if we hadn't quite got up the courage to tell our friends yet. 

They were calling out names and handing out degrees and I was patiently waiting for the alphabet to reach 'S' when I saw him. Standing in the shadows like always, watching me with this stupid, proud look on his face. 

And as soon as our eyes met we were suddenly, impossibly somewhere else. A nothing kind of place that was vaguely familiar, like I'd been there before and couldn't remember. Or like I'd been told about it in a dream. Riley told me later that I fainted - collapsed dramatically and caused a huge commotion - but I know it was something even stranger than that. 

What is it about me and graduations anyway? 

Don't worry, that was a rhetorical question. 

Giles, we were given a choice by the Powers there. An apparently simple choice, which are of course always the hardest ones. They said we could have what we'd always wanted, that we'd earned it. Angel's humanity, strength and courage, love and passion with no more pain and separation, a happy-ever-after in the sun. All we had to do was say yes. They took us apart and made us choose alone and then, when we had, they sent us back. 

I know I can be slow, Giles, but I like to think I get it in the end. With every privilege comes a responsibility - you tried to teach me that, but it took me a long time to understand. 

I wanted the privileges without the responsibility. I wanted a normal life, a normal boyfriend, a chance to hang out with friends and ignore my duty if it didn't suit me. Later, I wanted a most abnormal boyfriend, but everything else was the same. I didn't want to take the responsibility that went with what I had been called to be. I'd take the strength and the agility, but I didn't want the bad stuff that went with it. I didn't want to have to be the Slayer, although if I had woken up one day and found I was normal and boring like everyone else, I probably wouldn't have wanted that either. I wanted everything on my terms. And life doesn't work that way. 

Angel always had privilege and responsibility problems too. But he was the opposite to me. He didn't think he deserved any of the privileges, but felt he ought to take on all the responsibilities. He carried around this massive load of guilt that was way, way out of proportion with the things he had done, terrible though those were. He could forgive me my stupidity and mistakes with ease, but he couldn't accept that it was possible for someone to forgive him. He would have gone on atoning forever, taking responsibility for everyone else's pain and misery and beating himself up about it every time he thought he'd failed. Life doesn't work that way either. 

And there, in that nothing place that definitely wasn't graduation, we finally worked it out. 

I learned from my mistakes and my lessons and my experiences. I saw there was more to the world than just me and my needs - something I had already realised, even if I refused to acknowledge it - and I accepted that that was the way it was supposed to be - something I had never done before. And I finally, freely, chose the duty and the responsibility the Powers had chosen for me when I was sixteen. 

And Angel finally learned that atonement and forgiveness are two different things. You can work to atone, you can help the helpless, care for the wounded and the hurting and the broken-hearted. Atonement is something you can earn. Forgiveness isn't. It can never be earned, but it can be given. And when it is you accept it, humbly and thankfully, and try to live your life better through the gift of it. You don't have to wear sackcloth and ashes forever, but nor should you forget the past. You should accept it, acknowledge it as part of you and walk forward into the light a better person that you were. 

We both chose the hard way, we said no to the dream. 

They said we'd grown. We'd learned. Things we didn't - couldn't - understand back when I was sixteen and right down inside he wasn't all that much older. And so they gave each of us a gift. They weren't what we thought we wanted. But they were exactly what we needed. What the world needed us to have. 

I can hear Angel in the kitchen. He's making me breakfast. He likes doing that, and he's good at it. He even eats it with me sometimes, but we both know he can't taste it. Something about his taste buds being dead like the rest of him. But I like the company, and after we dealt with the better part of a dozen vampires last night, all intent on death and destruction as usual, I certainly need the food. 

I'm still the Slayer. 

Angel is still a vampire. 

But we're together. And barring accidents or stupidity, we could stay that way forever. They gave Angel his soul, you see. His forever no matter what. And me, they made me ageless. I can still be injured and I can still die, but if I avoid those I won't grow any older. 

I'm beginning to understand how vampires must see time. All my friends are growing older and I'm not. You were first, leaving us behind much too soon, to manage on our own. And even the others are showing their age. Xander has silver in his hair now. Can you imagine it - Xander going gray? He keeps talking about dyeing it, but Anya won't let him. She says she likes him that way and of course, what Anya wants, Xander gives her. Willow...Willow has hardly altered at all, but somehow that doesn't surprise me. If you look closely though, there are lines around her eyes now and something a little slower about the way she walks. And Riley looks like what he is - a middle aged farmer with a plump farmer's wife. It is Hamish who is growing up to look like the Riley I loved. 

And me, I'm just the same. Small and blonde and permanently young-looking. The Slayer with the blood-drinking, undead boyfriend. Or, more accurately, with the blood-drinking, undead husband. 

But there are joys and privileges that go with the responsibilities we agreed to accept. I'm Auntie Buffy. I still have my friends, and their children love me and I love them back. Together, Angel and I get to save the world from the forces of darkness. The Dynamic Duo, that's us, fighting evil and making the future safe for our friends' children to grow up in. 

And we're happy. We have forever to love each other the way we were always supposed to do. That's a gift we are grateful for every day. 

Normal people don't find true love at sixteen. I seriously doubt that Jolie has. But we were never normal people, Angel and I, and if it took us a lot of years and mistakes to mature to the point where we could live that true love, now we have it, we won't ever underestimate it or take it for granted. 

Thank you Giles. For all your guidance and your wisdom and everything you taught me. I hope, in the end, I haven't disappointed you. I love you and I miss you. But I guess I'll have to get used to that. It's going to keep on happening. 

But I will always have Angel to hold me when I cry. 

...Love Buffy


End file.
